


Waking up to Nothing

by dropdeadfox



Category: SKAM (TV)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Break Up, Fluff and Angst, Gen, M/M, Making Up, Post-Break Up
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-27
Updated: 2017-08-27
Packaged: 2018-12-20 13:33:51
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,643
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11921955
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dropdeadfox/pseuds/dropdeadfox
Summary: Six months.It’s been six months since Even has seen that grumpy- but- adorable pout on the most perfect pair of lips imaginable to men (and women).  It’s been six months since he has heard that voice, it’s been six months since he has seen the most perfect, emerald- green eyes, gazing back at him.Six months.





	Waking up to Nothing

**Author's Note:**

> This is my second time writing a fic (ever) so please, bear with me!
> 
> Warning: There will be time jumps, so please take note of the month and year stated before the start of a paragraph.
> 
> Enjoy! : )

May 2020

Six months.

It’s been six months since Even has seen that grumpy- but- adorable pout on the most perfect pair of lips imaginable to men (and women). It’s been six months since he has heard that voice, it’s been six months since he has seen the most perfect, emerald- green eyes, gazing back at him.

Six months.

Even wonders where that time went. It seems only yesterday when he broke up with Isak- the memories were that fresh. Yet, here they were, standing on the sidewalk, in front of a coffee shop, six months after Isak packed his bags and moved in with Jonas (Even briefly wonders if Isak still lives there, or if he has found a new place to live in, a new person to live with—and fuck, fuck, don’t think about that, don’t ever think about Isak moving in with a new guy, no, please, fuck).

Even took a visible gulp while Isak did nothing but stare back at him. He wonders if he could give the man of his dreams a hug, just for something to get him by. He knows he has no right to ask—fuck, he does not have any say whatsoever, after he broke his boy’s heart—but he badly wanted to reach out. He badly wanted to caress those perfect cheeks, and run his fingers through that unruly hair (oh god, he missed it growing back, he missed seeing those blonde curls blossom once more), and he wants.

He wants Isak back.

\-----------

Isak could do nothing but stare at Even.

He wonders how he’s doing. If he’s sleeping well, if he’s taking his medicines, if he’s dating someone new (no, please, no fuck no).

Six months. It’s been six months since he woke up beside the man that he loved—loves. It’s been six months since he’s had the chance to gaze at those ocean- blue eyes, and it’s been six months since he’s heard that voice.

The last time he did hear it, that voice was telling him that it was not working out. That voice was telling him that Isak needed to leave, needed to save himself from Even. That voice was telling him that he cannot live his life, knowing that he’s subjected Isak to a life of misery and pain and uncertainty.

Isak fought back, oh god did he. He begged and pleaded and repeated numerous times how he didn’t care, how he’s choosing to stay with him despite everything, how much he loves him. In the end, the decision was not up to him. Even took that decision away from him, and he packed his bags, heart and resolve both broken.

Six months.

He wants Even back, but he’s too scared to feel that sting of rejection again. He’s too broken to even think about getting back with Even and possibly being hurt the same way. Jonas tried his best to cheer him up, setting him up with a couple of dates with hot, intelligent guys. But nothing, nothing could ever come close to the way he felt for Even.

He wants Even back, but he doesn’t think he could anymore.

\-----------

Even sees the way Isak’s face crumples, and he feels his heart squeeze painfully. It’s that look—he doesn’t want Isak to ever look that way. That’s why he broke up with him, isn’t it? So he could never look that way again? Even wonders if he made a mistake. As he was opening his mouth to say something—anything—to Isak, a voice on his right interrupted them, calling Isak and giving his boy a fond smile.

Even could barely process anything. He feels like he’s underwater and everything is blurred and all he could hear is the buzzing on his ears. He caught the words date, night, good, time, again. Of course. Of course Isak would have moved on—Even hoped so, in the same, fervent way that he prayed Isak wouldn’t. Alas, here they are, looking at each other, being interrupted by a handsome guy who was completely enamored by Isak. Of course he would be, who wouldn’t? Who wouldn’t fall in love with this amazing, beautiful soul?

He saw Isak’s mouth slightly lifting at the corners, and he suddenly has trouble breathing. Isak’s smiling—albeit timidly, but he was—and Even was not the cause of it. The cause was this handsome guy who Isak has probably moved on to after Even broke his heart.

Even feels like he suddenly wants to leave this life.

\-----------

Isak saw the way Even was about to say something, before he got rudely interrupted by someone on his left. Isak turned his head and saw one of the guys Jonas tried to set him up with. The date was nice enough, but it ended with Isak talking Markus’ ear off regarding Even and how much he still loves him, how much he wants him back, and how much he’s still hurting. Markus has been nice enough to not call him out on it—instead, he became one of Isak’s friend, the one he could talk to who hasn’t known Even prior to the break up, the one he could count on to give an unbiased opinion (not that Jonas was not, he was his bro, but it was difficult to talk when you see Magnus looking like he has been the one who was broken up with instead of Isak).

While Markus, completely oblivious to the war raging inside Isak, talked and talked regarding the date he had last night with a guy he met from University, and how he had a good time, and how they were going to see each other again tomorrow (which made him smile a little bit, because he’s happy that Markus found someone, because he knows that he couldn’t be that person for him, not when he’s still so hung up on the guy who broke his heart six months ago), Isak couldn’t help but look at Even and noticed how he’s clenching his fists—a clear sign that he is under stress. Isak frowned at that, and Markus, finally noticing that Isak was otherwise occupied, abruptly stopped talking and looked between the two of them.

\-----------

When Isak’s friend/ boyfriend/ date/ fiance/ partner suddenly stopped talking, Even noticed that they were both looking at him, probably wondering why he was staring at Isak in such an intense way. He gripped his fingers, trying to hold on to any form of reality, to remind himself that this has been his choice, idiot, you let him go, you have no right to feel this way, fuck. Even tried his best to smile at them, but he knows Isak will see right through it.

Even suddenly realized that he wouldn’t be able to take it if he found out that Isak’s moved on, and with this new guy. He knows it will end him. Desperate to leave, but not without saying anything to the man who still has his heart, Even opened his mouth and said—

“I love you.”

Fuck. Shit. Damn it. That was not what he wanted to say, but his heart sort of took control of his brain at that moment and he didn’t know what happened, he panicked, okay, shut up. Shit, fuck, Isak is now looking at him—wide- eyed, slacked- jaw, rapid breaths, still the most gorgeous being he has ever laid his eyes on.

“I’m—Sorry, I—I didn’t—Shit, I—I didn’t know—That—Well, that—That was..”

With a curse under his breath, and with one last longing look at Isak, he turned his back on him, one last time.

\-----------

Out of all the things Isak was expecting to hear from Even, it wasn’t that. He was certainly not prepared for, well, a confession of love from the person who let him go. He must have looked like an idiot—a surprised, fucked up, haven’t- been- able- to- sleep- for- six- months idiot. He was even more surprised when Even started to stutter out an explanation as to what he said and became even more flustered.

Isak barely had time to register that Even said something under his breath, has stopped talking, and was looking at him, before he was facing the back of his ex- boyfriend’s jean jacket. At that image—the image of Even leaving him again, fuck, he was leaving again, fuck—something in Isak broke. He hasn’t been able to really, properly, cry in the six months that they were apart. Apparently, all it took was seeing Even again and realizing that it was really over, this time, that there was truly no hope for them because he was running away from Isak again, for the goddamn waterworks to start.

The wave of emotions was so strong that he literally felt the weight of it on his chest, his heart trying to beat out a rhythm that has become so, so painful he could barely handle it. The weight was so crushing that it drove him to his knees, face on both his hands, without a care in the world that he was in a fucking sidewalk, damn it. Isak could hear Markus asking him what was happening, and at the back of his mind, he was grateful that he did not come any closer and gave him his space. However, Isak was too busy catching his breath, too busy gasping for air while sobbing his heart out—sobbing three- years’ worth of life with the person he loves the most, and finally feeling that it has reached its end.

It took him a while, but he was suddenly aware that there was a pair of hands holding his wrists in a gentle but firm way, a soothing voice asking him to look up, and a scent that he knows so, so well along with them. At the realization that he was so out of it that his brain is tricking him that he’s smelling Even’s unique smell—warmth, comfort, love, home—Isak sobbed even harder. He knows it will take him a fucking long time to feel that way again. Even then, he knows it will never be the same because Even was his person, damn it, Even was it for him. It was never going to happen, though, because Even left. He left him again, and he doesn’t know how to pick himself up again.

\-----------

When he turned around, Even swore to himself that it would be the last time he will allow himself to feel bad about Isak’s new life. It was the life he chose, damn it, he had to suck it up. He took three steps away from the love of his life before he heard something that made his heart break even more, something he didn’t think was possible, at that point.

Even turned around again and he saw Isak on both his knees, backpack on the floor, and his signature snapback toppled over to the sidewalk. He had his face on his hands, and he was crying so hard, he’s having trouble breathing. Even was frozen for a second because he has never seen Isak this way before—even when they were fighting, Isak never cried his eyes out like this—and he was terrified that he caused it. God, he was so, so fucking terrified because he has hurt this boy and he has no clue how to fix it.

Even saw a movement out of the corner of his eye, and he realized that Isak’s friend/ boyfriend/ date/ fiance/ partner was still there but, for some reason, he was not approaching Isak and comforting him. He looked at Even with wide, panicked eyes, and it clicked—he had no fucking clue how to comfort Isak.

That spurred Even into action, which he was so fucking thankful for because now, it looks like Isak is about to have a full- on panic attack. Even dropped to his knees in front of Isak, took hold of his wrists, noting how a bit smaller they were now and briefly wondered if Isak hasn’t been eating well, if at all, and why he lost so much weight, damn it, and gently coaxed Isak into looking at him. For some reason, this caused Isak to cry even more, making Even’s eye start to water, too. He couldn’t fucking bear to see Isak cry.

Isak started saying sorry, in between gasps for air, and Even has no idea what he was sorry for. He simply kept asking Isak to look at him, to raise his chin. He simply kept running his hands to whatever part of this boy’s face he could reach, trying to soothe him. It felt like forever, but Even finally saw those green eyes staring back at him.

\-----------

When Isak came to, he was dimly aware that he was saying sorry, over and over again. He kept thinking he was sorry—for not being good enough, for not fighting for Even’s love enough, for not being the partner Even deserves, for being so pathetic that he started crying over his ex- boyfriend on the sidewalk (thank God the streets weren’t that busy). There was a part of him that was telling him it was okay, that it was safe to lift his head, that a soothing warmth was surrounding him. That part was growing stronger every second, so he dared to look up.

Isak was not prepared for what he saw.

He wasn’t prepared to see Even’s blue eyes spilling over silent tears. He was not prepared to feel Even’s hands, caressing his hair and face and cheek and lips. He wasn’t prepared to see said hands trembling and he was certainly not prepared to hear Even’s voice, telling him that everything was okay. Because nothing was fucking okay, but he felt safer now, as he always does with Even.

Isak took a deep breath to compose himself. He suddenly wished it didn’t take him such a short time to break—he wished Even had just continued moving forward and he wished that he did not see that sad excuse of a breakdown. However, a small part of him was selfish enough to celebrate the fact that Even was right in front of him, holding his arms and cradling him to his chest (oh how he missed this spot, he never realized how much he loves it until he had to go six months without sleeping on this spot). Isak hugged him back fiercely, if only to let himself savor this moment, especially since he didn’t know if he would ever have it again.

Whether Even was holding him out of pity or a way of saying goodbye, Isak is going to take his goddamn fill of it.

\-----------

Once Even realized that Isak has slightly calmed down, he wrapped the smaller boy in his arms and placed his head on his chest. During the three years that they were together, this has always been Isak’s (and Even’s) favorite position. A small part of Even felt guilty that he was taking advantage of Isak’s vulnerability so he could hug him and re- create this moment, but he doesn’t know when Isak will push him away and before he does, he’s not letting this opportunity slide.

Even felt Isak’s arms move, and he was fully prepared to let his hands fall, scared that he has already overstayed his welcome, before he felt those same arms hugging him back so hard, he’s almost choking from the pressure of it. He doesn’t mind, hell no, not when it was Isak’s arms. He could live his last days happily like this. Even thinks that the world could end right that moment, and he wouldn’t care, because he had Isak in his arms.

Too soon, however, Isak was pulling back, and Even could read all emotions flickering in his eyes— shyness, hurt, anger, and loneliness, all swimming in the depths of Isak’s green eyes.

Isak pushed himself back on his heels, dropped his hands on his side, and looked down. Even felt himself starting to sweat, heart beating furiously out of his chest.

This was it.

This was the end.

\-----------

August 2020

Isak was sitting on a bench in a park, clutching a coffee cup in his hands, feet and fingers tapping a regular rhythm on the ground and on his lap. He was waiting for someone to show up, and he was nervous because it has been a while since he’s done this. He’s dated before, sure, but it’s been a long time since it feels like meeting someone mattered—nine months, to be exact. He doesn’t know how to handle himself anymore, and he’s praying that he won’t screw this one up. He’s so caught up in his thoughts that he didn’t realize that his date was already approaching him, letting out a surprised sound when he flopped down beside Isak.

Isak looked to his right and was, once again, mesmerized by his sheer beauty. He didn’t know he could feel this way again, and that thought made him smile. The past year has been extremely difficult for him, what with all the heartbreak a break- up entailed. He swore to himself afterwards that he will not allow himself to feel that way again, and has conditioned his mind (and heart) to stay unaffected no matter what. However, this guy proved to him that he was worth it, and today, after three months of seeing each other, Isak is finally going to tell him that he loves him.

Isak is finally ready to love again.

\-----------

June 2020

Like every Friday at 16:00, Isak sat down on a bench in the park near Jonas’ flat and waited. It has become their routine to meet here to get to know each other and talk about what happened during their week, and Isak looks forward to it. His entire life is centered on these Friday meetings, he wonders how he could even get his school works for Uni done (he studies like crazy and consumes an unhealthy amount of coffee and never goes out on weekends, that’s how). Being a pre- med student is not easy, and Isak is starting to feel the difficulty of it all. When Even broke up with him, he coped by studying, but he wasn’t satisfied—he felt like something was missing. Now, despite the fact that he was knee- deep in homeworks and revisions, he still would never, ever dare miss a Friday at the park.

Isak would never dare miss a moment when he could be with him.

It’s only been a few weeks, shortly after Isak’s breakdown on the nearby sidewalk, but Isak feels as if the hurt in his chest is slowly starting to fade. The hurt hasn’t completely healed, let’s be real, but Isak thinks he could make room for other emotions aside from pain. Emotions such as fondness, awe, adoration, and giddiness. But an admission of love, not yet, that will take time. Isak knows it’s going to happen, and sooner rather than later. If he were completely honest with himself, he would see that he was in love. As it is, however, he has been hurt to a point where he couldn’t just freely say he loves him or freely give that love away.

However, Isak was ready to give him the chance he deserves.

“Halla.”

Isak looked up at that to see a pair of eyes that seems to be overflowing with love, excitement, happiness, and hope. He knows that look well, because that is how Isak looks at him, too. He can’t help but give him a big smile as he scooted over to make room for him on the bench.

“Hi, Even.”

\-----------

May 2020

The Friday meetings started when Isak asked to talk to him after their emotional meeting on the sidewalk. The park was nearby, and it was the perfect place to go to. Even remembered that day very clearly—Isak pushed himself away, and Even thought that was the end. So it took him by surprise when Isak asked him if they could talk, and pointed to the park across the street. They settled on a bench, which Even has started calling “their” bench in his head after their third Friday meeting.

It took Isak some time to start to speak, but when he did, the first thing that he asked Even was if he meant what he said. He was nervous, but he looked Isak straight in the eye and declared—

“Of course, I’m still in love you. I never fucking stopped, Isak.”

Isak simply nodded and stayed quiet. Even didn’t know what to make of it. Maybe Isak has already fallen out of love, damn it, and what about Isak’s boyfriend, they just left him at the sidewalk fuck, why would Isak want him back, he broke his fucking heart and—

Isak cleared his throat and started talking, and what he’s saying is not making sense. He’s telling Even that, while he’s sure that he still has feelings for him, he’s not sure whether he’s ready to start again—at least, not at that moment.

“I mean, I don’t… exactly know, what you want, you know..” Isak shrugged. “But if—if there’s ever—like, if there were, you know, a small chance that—I mean, if you.. you know, wanted to get back—I mean, not that I’m—I’m not pressuring you, quite the opposite, actually.” He took a deep breath and spoke in a surprisingly clear but gentle voice.

“I might need some time, if we’re going to decide that we’re going to try again. Because as much as I hate to admit it, and I hate the distance, and I hate how we are right now, I can’t ignore the fact that you hurt me, Even.”

And fuck, hearing that hurt Even, as much as it had hurt for him to let go of Isak six months ago. Before he could stop them, tears started rolling down his cheeks and he started sobbing. He knew that letting Isak go was a mistake, but he had to give him that chance, doesn’t he? He had to let go of Isak so Isak could see his options, so he could see there’s a lot more out there, that there’s someone out there for him who will not be a burden.

While he was trying to explain this to Isak now, punctuated by his sobs, Isak took both his hands and enveloped them with his own. Isak stroked the back of his hands using his thumb, trying to soothe Even. It took a while before Even realized he was begging Isak for another chance, that he was saying over and over how he could not live without him anymore, he will do anything and will he please take him back.

It was then that Isak suggested they get to know each other again. Six months, despite how Even felt when they first met again at that sidewalk, was a pretty fucking long time to go without talking to each other. It was only fair that they start to get to know each other again, right? Even did not agree, he knows in his heart that he is still in love with Isak, and the past six months could not have changed that. However, Even also knows Isak needs this and that, in the long run, it will be better for both of them to talk everything out first before committing to each other again.

At that time, Even knows Isak was not yet ready to talk everything out the next day, and that he is too emotionally exhausted that moment. He suggested that they take a few days more to sort out their feelings and what they want to say.

“So, after three days, do you think you’ll be ready to talk then? Say, Friday around 16:00?” 

Even knows he’s pushing it, but he can’t help himself. Now that he knows that Isak’s giving him a chance, he can’t wait to start proving himself to Isak again.

“Sure,” Isak answered. “Same place?” Even nodded, and that was that.

Even was nervous that Isak might, ultimately, decide that he doesn’t want him back. But if he’s presented with the chance to have Isak back in his life—lover, friend, partner (two more preferable than one)—he knows he will fucking take it.

He’ll do whatever it takes to have Isak back in his life.

\-----------

August 2020

Three months.

It’s been three months, and Even was feeling a little bit more helpless each time Friday comes around. Don’t get him wrong, he lives for the days he gets to see Isak. However, he’s also slowly dying on the inside when he thinks about their Fridays ending, and having to go through another week before seeing or talking to him again.

Even thinks he couldn’t survive any more of the distance between them, especially since Isak gives no indication whatsoever as to how he’s feeling. Even has started giving him drawings, flowers, food—anything that he can make for Isak, or anything that reminds him of his boy—each time they meet. At first, Isak told him that he didn’t have to, but Even feels like he has a lifetime of making up to do. So he persisted, and Isak, eventually, relented.

However, they haven’t progressed much from the casual hand- holding and the very occasional (and extremely short, in Even’s opinion) hugs they exchange before they part ways. While most of their Friday meetings consist of updates on each other’s lives and things they miss, a painful reminder of their break- up, Even has felt something settled in his bones—the fact that this, being with Isak, was right.

He just hoped Isak feels it, too.

Across the park, he spots Isak already on their bench, feet and fingers tapping impatiently on whatever surface they could reach. Despite Even’s despair on their relationship (or lack thereof), he can’t help but smile at how adorable Isak looks, even now when he seems to be a little bit distracted by God- knows- what. Even is almost at the bench and Isak still hasn’t realized it, which caused Even to think about what’s bothering him. 

Even decided to surprise him, seeing that Isak was still lost in his thoughts, by hastily sitting down beside Isak and saying his usual greeting. Isak, after letting out an adorable squeal of surprise, tilted his head to look at him and smiled.

“Halla Even, how have you been?” Isak asked him, emerald- green eyes shining with an emotion Even can’t decipher.

After their usual update on each other’s lives, there was a lull in the conversation. Even felt Isak gearing himself to say something, and Even steeled himself for the inevitable rejection of his love. Sure, Isak has been here every Friday, without fail, and sure, there has been some mild flirting going on. However, Even attributes the first one to the fact that Isak was still trying to figure out his feelings for Even and the second one to a bad (good) habit.

This is probably the day that Isak will let Even know that he has moved on, that he doesn’t love him anymore, and that he has decided that his life is better off without Even, that they should stop these Friday meetings, damn it, and Even is now letting out breaths in short gasps, trying his hardest to keep his emotions in check.

He felt Isak’s hands taking both of his on his own, slowly guiding Even to face him. Even has basically stopped breathing now, a million apologies about to fall from his lips, when—

“I love you. I love you, I never stopped.”


End file.
